My Daddy had raped me and I was so confused, lonely and frightened, i couldn’t tell anyone except my diary, I was withdrawn and became a shadow of myself but I loved my Daddy and he said this was the way he showed me he loved me. My Mother looked at me over dinner one day and said
“You are not to so much of a chatterbox anymore thank goodness, always trying to talk my ears off”.
I didn’t say anything, i could feel Daddy’s eyes on me, if i told Mummy, he would be mad at me and stop loving me.
One day at school, I could not find my diary, i thought i left it on the table in my room, when i got home, I headed straight for my room, opened the door and saw Mum sitting at the edge of my bed with my diary in her hands. Mum looked very composed and calm, she motioned to me to come in and close the door. I knew she must have read it and was scared but before i could say anything she spoke her voice almost a whisper,
“How could you Tayo, how could you write such abominable things about your Father, after all he has done for you, do you want to ruin our lives, what would people say, this must never be heard, i hope you have not told anyone? You must forget about it this instant.”
I could not say anything, Dad said by sleeping with me, he was showing me love but Mum said what i wrote were abominations and lies against him, i was confused but i assured her i had told no one so she took my diary and left.
When Daddy got home that night and Mummy told him about my diary, he was furious. I was terrified, i thought my parents would hate me, i should never have written about dad and me in my diary. Daddy came to my room later and told me how disappointed he was in me, he said he didn’t love me anymore and it was my fault, he said i should have never written anything but i begged him and he said I had to show him how sorry i was, so I did.
The next day, i woke up feeling sick and dirty; during recess at school, I had no appetite so I thought I would sit in the school garden. When I got there, I sat on a bench and few minutes later Timi and some other boys came into the garden too, they sat on the bench beside me but when I greeted them, they laughed and called me a wimp so I let them be, I stood to leave the garden when something Timi said caught my attention. While they giggled about what he said, I walked away deeply troubled;
“Timi just said what me and daddy used to do happens between a boy and girl not boy and boy, then why did daddy do it with me, I am a boy, why won’t he do it with a girl like mummy or Miss Joy?” I wondered.
I went to Daddy’s room that night and asked him “Daddy why do you do it with me, I am a boy, go and do it with a girl; I don’t want to do it again.”
My Father reached for me and slapped me so hard I tasted blood in my mouth; I backed away from him and ran to the door opened it and ran out. Because I wasn’t looking at where I was going, I slipped and found myself tumbling down our long flight of stairs. At the bottom, I could not move, I heard someone scream and run to where I lay then I saw Mummy hovering over me, crying and asking what happened. I could not answer her not because i did not want to but the coldness had begun to seep into my hands and feet and darkness had begun to envelope me.